The Road Less Traveled
    A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
M. Scott Peck, M.D.

The Work of Attention

- Now look at things that love is, rather than isn't
- Work--extending ourselves out against the inertia of laziness
- Courage--moving out, against the face of fear
- Love is a form of work or courage
    - Work or courage directed toward the nurture of our own or another's spiritual growth
    - Love is always one or the other: work or courage
- Principal form that love takes is attention
    - When we love someone, we give them our attention.  We attend to their growth.
    - Attention is an act of will, work against the inertia of our own minds
    - The seat of will is the level or attention
- Listening
    - Most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention
    - Most of us listen very poorly
    - Listening well is exercise of attention, and hard work
    - Because it is difficult that most people do not listen well
- Process of listening to children differs, depending on age of child
- With 6-yr-old chattering, different ways of dealing with this:
    1) Forbid them to talk
    2) Permit the chatter, but not listen to it
    3) Pretend to listen
    4) Selective listening--filtering out unimportant
    5) Truly listen, give child your full attention, understanding each sentence
    - Ascending order of effort
    - True listening requires quantum leap of effort
    - What is required is a balance of the 5 ways, depending on the situation
    - Extremely complex task to strike the right balance of how to listen and when
- True listening
    - Must provide child with some times in which we truly listen
    - Many parents unwilling to expend the energy to truly listen
    - Requires total concentration
    - Concentration required is greater for children than for adults
    - Real labor of love, since a 6-yr-old is essentially boring
- If you give child full attention, he/she will feel themselves to be valuable
    - No better way to teach children that they are valuable than to value them
- You will realize how extraordinary a child is, by listening
    - The more you listen, the more you will learn
    - The more you learn/know, the better equipped you are to teach the child
    - If the child believes that you value them, they are more willing they will be to listen to you
    - The more they learn, the more extraordinary they will become
    - Upward cycle of evolution and growth
- True listening is always a manifestation of love
    - Requires bracketing--setting aside your own beliefs & desires
    - Temporarily involves total acceptance of the other person
    - Energy for true listening is so great, can be accomplished only by love
    - The WILL to extend one's self for mutual growth
- True listening nowhere more appropriate than in marriage
    - Most couples truly never listen to each other
    - Should make appointment to talk to each other
    - If you rely on spontaneity, you'll never truly communicate
- Listening never becomes completely effortless
- Being listend to is itself therapeutic
- Other forms of attention necessary in relationships, particularly with children
    - E.g. reading to young children, helping with homework, etc.
    - All forms of attention: time spent with child
    - Quality of attention proportional to intensity of concentration
    - Chance for parents to get to know their children better
- These tasks are boring, inconvenient, always energy-draining
    - Love involves work
    - Essence of non-love is laziness

The principal form that love takes is in attention to another human being.   The most important way to exercise our attention is to listen.  We need to learn to truly listen to others by focusing on what they are saying and setting aside our own concerns.  The act of truly listening to children is essential and contributes greatly to their  growth.  True listening also requires a great deal of energy and requires work.